Thursday, October 21, 2010

8 Sobering Truths about Commercial Writing

1. Almost everything's been written about already. Screenwriter Paul Schrader calls it "narrative exhaustion."

2. It doesn't matter what you think about your writing. The buyer's always right. So unless your instincts happen to jibe with what the editors and the masses want, you'll be doing a lot of guess work.

3. The same technology that enabled you to get in the game, did the same thing for millions of other people. Of course you're better than "them," but from the gatekeeper's point of view, all unsolicited submissions look identical in the slush pile and e-mail junk folder. And the market was already glutted before the digital revolution.

4. If you depend on feeling inspired to write, you're in trouble. It takes a long time to write a good book. You're not going to feel like doing it every day. If you can't wrap your mind around the concept of art as work, you'll never make it through a first draft, let alone revise it ad nauseum.

5. Getting information on how to write a good book is easy. Actually writing a good book is hard.

6. Gatekeepers expect you to suck. You can't beat perception. A referral from someone they respect would earn you the benefit of the doubt, but that someone must be an agent, editor, or published author. In other words, getting referred is just as hard as getting published.

7. Only great writers have no competition. Good writers still do, because there are enough of those around. So even if you don't suck, the competition is thick.

8. No matter how well you write it, someone will hate it. The flip side is, no matter how badly you write it, someone might love it, but that someone won't be an editor, so you'll never get a chance to find out.

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Thursday, October 07, 2010

25 Criteria for Believing Anything

  1. I saw it.
  2. I heard it.
  3. I touched it.
  4. I tasted it.
  5. I smelled it.
  6. It was online.
  7. It was on television.
  8. It was in a magazine.
  9. It was in a newspaper.
  10. It was on the radio.
  11. Someone I trust said it.
  12. An attractive person said it. 
  13. The majority said it.
  14. People like me said it.
  15. The "dots" connect.
  16.  I thought it.
  17. There's no reason to reject it.
  18. It's negative.
  19. It's flattering to me.
  20. It's bad for people I hate.
  21. I can understand it.
  22. It's within my capability.
  23. I don't like the implications if it's false.
  24. It's associated with something positive.
  25. If it's false, then I'm wrong.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Bible Quotes Gone Wrong

Friend: I'm sure you're busy with your new religious conversion, but I've called you six times this week!  Convert: "What fellowship does light have with darkness?" [2 Corinthians 6:14]

Dear Convert:
Conversion to Christianity doesn't make you superior. So let's not get high and mighty with our former strip-club buddies. ("Former" as in last week.) And your half-baked newbie theology makes Jesus look like an a**hole. Not good for you on Judgment Day. TIP: In the scripture you jacked up, the words "light" and "darkness" do not refer to people.

Loan Officer: Our bank respects your need for a larger building, Reverend. Unfortunately, your church has neither sufficient collateral, nor enough donation income to cover a loan of this size. Reverend: Doesn't matter. "The wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just." [Proverbs 13:22]

Dear Reverend:
Calling a banker a "sinner" to her face makes you a jerk, not "just." And since another biblical writer said that everyone has sinned, which one of you is "the just" in this equation? Given your diamonds, German car(s), and unemployment, a loan for your church's building fund is more likely to "build" your portfolio.

Speaking of embezzlement, Jesus said it's hard for rich people to get into heaven. Why then are you trying to pimp God like a cosmic ATM, only to land yourself outside the pearly gates? TIP: When the verse that you just scrambled was written, Jesus wasn't born yet. There was no such thing as Christianity or salvation. Therefore, "just" ≠ "saved." My point? Being a Christian doesn't make you "just" by default. Consequently, it's not a license to empty the Federal Reserve.